ARAS FAQ Draft v.0.9
"This FAQ is dedicated to the addict who still suffers."
LAST MODIFIED 02/08/97
Updates to this file may be found at: http://www.sca-recovery.org/inter-s/aras.faq.txt
KEY:
(-) Still requires writing or editing
(*) Revised since last posting
(+) New since last posting
CONTENTS
1.0 SEXUAL ADDICTION
1.1 SOME QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF
1.2 CORE BELIEFS
1.3 COMMON CHARACTERISTICS
2.0 A PROGRAM OF RECOVERY
2.1 OTHER THAN 12 STEP
2.2 SPIRITUAL RECOVERY
3.0 ISSUES IN RECOVERY (-)
3.1 ABSTINENCE
3.2 THREE CIRCLES
3.3 BUILDING PARTNERSHIPS
3.4 HEALTHY SEXUALITY
3.5 RELAPSE PLAN
3.6 HOW TO AVOID A SLIP
3.7 THE DAYTONA PROMISES
3.8 MESSAGE TO CHRISTIANS (+)
4.0 THE NATIONWIDE FELLOWSHIPS
4.1 SEX AND LOVE ADDICTS ANONYMOUS
4.2 SEX ADDICTS ANONYMOUS
4.3 SEXAHOLICS ANONYMOUS
4.4 RECOVERING COUPLES ANONYMOUS
4.5 SEXUAL COMPULSIVES ANONYMOUS
4.6 INDEPENDENT MEETINGS
4.7 RECOVERY IS HAPPENING
4.8 REFERENCE
5.0 ARAS (alt.recovery.addiction.sexual)
5.1 ANONYMITY (*)
5.2 ADDITIONS/CHANGES/ERRORS
5.3 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS (-)
6.0 POSTING
6.1 EXAMPLE OF HOW IT WORKS --
DISCUSSION ON FEELINGS
6.2 EXAMPLE OF HOW IT WORKS --
DISCUSSION ON SEXUAL FANTASIES (+)
7.0 OTHER INTERNET RECOVERY (+)
7.1 FTP SITE
7.2 WEB SITES
7.3 IRC CHAT (*)
8.O OTHER FORMS OF HELP
8.1 HOTLINES
8.2 COUNSELLING (-)
8.3 TREATMENT/REHABILITATION (*)
8.4 FURTHER READING
1.0 SEXUAL ADDICTION
>Can someone comment on: when you can know for sure you're addicted to
>sex...or when it's just a healthy 'at your peak' sexual appetite???
I don't know what the official definition is that ARAS would use,
but I would say that if your sexual activity is interfering with the
rest of your life, is making you unhappy, and is seems out of control
enough that it feels compulsive and that you are unable to choose
not to have sex, you are addicted.
FJ!!
An ARAS founder wrote:
Sexual addiction is such a new concept (first recognized around 1980)
that many doctors are not aware of it, few know how to treat it, and
there are only broad criteria to define it. In general, sexual
addiction can be diagnosed using the same formulations that traditionaly
indicate an abnormal dependency on any other behavior:
* A compulsion to engage in the activity, such that the ability to
stop is lost;
* The appearance of adverse consequences (loss of health, job,
marriage or freedom);
* Obsession with continuing the behavior...
Like other addictions, symptoms of needing additional stimulus or
higher levels of stimulus are present as the disease progresses.
According to Patrick Carnes in Contrary_to_Love (CompCare, 1991), "(Sex
addicts) often come from dysfunctional families in which their parents may
have been chemically dependent, sexually abusive or emotionally
distraught. Children who were abused - especially sexually - may grow up
confusing sex with love or being able to relate to others only sexually.
They frequently marry sexual 'co-addicts,' persons who fear abandonment
and feel obliged to engage in acts about which they feel uncomfortable..."
1.1 SOME QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF
Here is a list of questions to ask yourself. Some of these are taken
from "The 21 Questions of Sex Addicts Anonymous" (an organization
patterned after Alcoholics Anonymous) and others are taken from
"Contrary to Love: Helping the Sexual Addict" by Patrick J. Carnes.
A more extensive list can be found in the appendix of "Hope and Recovery"
(see Section 2.6, Further Reading).
1 Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?
2 Have you regularly purchased sexually explicit magazines?
3 Did your parents have trouble with sexual behavior?
4 Are you often preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
5 Do you believe that your sexual behavior is not normal?
6 Does your spouse/SO ever worry or complain about your sexual
behavior?
7 Can you stop your sexual behavior when you know it's
inappropriate?
8 Do you ever feel bad about your sexual behavior?
9 Has this behavior ever created problems for you or your family?
10 Have you ever sought help for your sexual behavior?
11 Do you worry about people finding out about this behavior?
12 Has this behavior ever emotionally hurt someone?
13 Are any of your sexual activities against the law?
14 Have you made promises to quit some aspects of these activities?
15 Have you made unsuccessful efforts to stop a type of sexual
behavior?
16 Do you hide certain aspects of this behavior?
17 Have you ever felt degraded by your sexual activity?
18 Can you escape your problems by having sex?
19 Do you feel depressed after having sex?
20 Have you felt the need to discontinue certain sex activities?
21 Have these activities ever interefered with your family life?
22 Have you had sex with minors?
23 Do you feel controlled by your sexual desires?
24 Do you ever think that your sexual drive is stronger than you
are?
25 Has your sexual behavior caused you either to seek help or made
you feel scared or different - somehow alienated from other people?
26 Do you keep secrets about your sexual or romantic activities
from those important to you? Do you lead a double life?
27 Have your needs driven you to have sex in places or on occasions
or with people you would not normally choose?
28 Do you find yourself looking for sexually arousing articles or
scenes in newspapers, magazines, or other media?
28 Conversely, are you anorexic? That is, is sex totally out of
your life; do you avoid it at all costs?
29 Do you find that romantic or sexual fantasies interfere with
your relationships with others or are controlling you?
30 Do you frequently want to get away from a sexual partner after
having sex? Do you frequently feel remorse, shame, or guilt after a
sexual encounter?
31 Do you feel uncomfortable masturbating or touching your body?
Do you avoid masturbating altogether?
32 Does each relationship coninue to have the same destructive
patterns which promted you to leave the last relationship?
33 Have you ever tried to leave a specific person or a destructive
relationship and found yourself returning?
34 Have you ever tried to limit or stop masturbating because of your
discomfort with frequency, your fantasies, props you used, or places
you masturbated?
35 Do you obsess about sex or romance even when it intereferes with
your daily responsibilities or causes emotional discomfort?
36 Do you avoid sexual relationships altogether, or for long
periods of time, because they are just too difficult or not worth the
trouble?
37 Does the time reading pornographic magazines or watching films
interefere with the demands of your daily activities and relationships
with people?
38 Do you sometimes wonder if you are asexual or fear that you have
no sexual feelings?
39 Do you lose your sense of identity or meaning in life without
sex or a love relationship?
40 Is it taking more variety and frequency of sexual and romantic
activities than previously to bring the same levels of excitement and
relief?
41 Are you in danger of being arrested because of practices of
voyeurism, exhibitionism, prostitution, sex with minors, indecent phone
calls, etc.?
42 Does your pursuit of sex or romantic relationshiops interfere
with your spiritual development?
43 Do your sexual activities include the risk, threat, or reality
of disease, pregnancy, coercion, or violence?
44 Do you seek or use sexual or romantic highs to avoid unpleasant
realities in your life? Do you find your basic needs and relationships
are neglected following a sexual or romantic encounter?
45 Has your sexual or romantic behavior ever made you feel
hopeless or suicidal?
If you see yourself in anything close to half of these questions, there
is a good chance you are suffering from sexual addiction. Sexual
addiction is like any other addiction - it controls, and it is an
illness which can be cured, given the will to work through it, and the
willingness to acknowledge the illness. (Like alcohol and other
chemical dependencies, getting to the point of acknowledging a problem
is the hardest step...)
1.2 CORE BELIEFS
Below are listed some of the core beliefs of the sex addict (taken from
Out_of_The_Shadows by Patrick Carnes):
1 Self-Image: "I am basically a bad, unworthy person."
2 Relationships: "No one would ever love me as I am."
3 Needs: "My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on
others."
4 Sexuality: "Sex is my most important need."
These core beliefs provide the structure for many particular errors in
thinking. Cognitive errors distort the experience of the sexual addict
to conform to the shameful core beliefs. The particular errors also
screen out any new, potentially corrective information. For example,
the sexual addict who fundamentaly believes that "no one will love me
the way I really am" will set up relationships so that there is ample
evidence of rejection of the true self and support for the false,
public self.
1.3 COMMON CHARACTERISTICS
We use sexual thoughts and behaviors as our primary coping methods.
We use sexual arousal as our drug of choice.
We have a pattern of compulsive, out-of-control sexual behaviors:
behaviors
that are either illegal, illicit or believed to be "bad".
We experience harmful consequences to ourselves and others due to our
sexual
behaviors.
We lack emotional intimacy.
We are preoccupied with sex and sexual fantasies.
We progress to more out-of-control behaviors in frequency, intensity
and/or risk as our tolerance increases.
We may have periods of control or strict abstinence.
We may control our behaviors while continuing our sexual obsessions.
We experience mood shifts around our sexual acting out, e.g., anger, fear,
guilt, remorse.
We often experience depression and suicidal ideation.
We have a hierarchy of acting out behaviors (usually at least three), e.g.
affairs, masturbation, seduction/cruising.
We have a family history of sexual shame and/or addiction.
We are often victims of childhood sexual, physical and/or emotional abuse.
We ritualize our sexual behaviors.
We feel extreme shame about sex.
We lack a healthy sexual identity.
We associate excitement and risk with sex.
We have sexualized needs for affection.
[The above list of Common characteristics of Sexual Addiction reprinted
with
permission from Sierra Tucson Sexual Recovery Program.]
Here are 14 common Characteristics from Sexual Compulsives Anonymous:
THESE ARE THE CHARACTERISTICS MOST OF US SEEM TO HAVE IN COMMON
1. As adolescents, we used fantasy and compulsive masturbation to escape
from feelings, and continued this tendency in our adult lives with
compulsive sex.
2. We tended to become immobilized by romantic obsessions.
3. We searched for some "magical" quality in others to make us feel
complete. Other people were idealized and endowed with a powerful
symbolism, which often disappeared after we had sex with them.
4. Compulsive sex became a drug, which we used to escape from feelings
such as anxiety, loneliness, anger, rejection or self-hatred as well as
joy. We sought oblivion in fantasy, masturbation and compulsive sex. Sex
became a reward, punishment, distraction, and time-killer.
5. Because of low self-esteem, we used sex to feel validated and complete.
6. We tended to lose ourselves in sex and romantic obsession, and became
addicted to the search for sex. As a result we neglected our lives.
7. We tried to bring intensity and excitement into our lives through sex,
but instead felt ourselves growing steadily emptier.
8. While constantly seeking intimacy with another person, the desperate
quality of our need made true intimacy with anyone impossible. In
trying to conceal our dependency demands from ourselves and others, we
grew more isolated and alienated from ourselves, from God, and from the
very people we wanted to be close to.
9. We feared relationships, but continually searched for them. In a
relationship, we feared abandonment and rejection, but out of one, we
felt empty and incomplete.
10. We were drawn to people who were not available to us, or who would
reject us or abuse us.
11. We often developed unhealthy dependency relationships that eventually
became unbearable.
12. Even when we got the love of another person, it was never seemed
enough, and we were unable to stop lusting after others.
13. We became addicted to people and were unable to distinguish among
sex, love and affection.
14. Sex became compartmentalized, and not integrated into our lives as a
healthy element.
Here are 12 characteristics from SLAA:
>Could anyone tell me how I can be sure that I am a sex addict?
CHARACTERISTICS OF SEX AND LOVE ADDICTION...
1. Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with
and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them...
2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to
painful, destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs
from ourselves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from
friends and loved ones, ourselves and God...
3. Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pursue
and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, sometimes
having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time...
4. We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction,
pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued...
5. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though we
fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relationships
and sexual contacts...
6. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and
envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for
nurturing, care, and support...
7. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control
others...
8. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or sexual
obsessions or fantasies...
9. We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to
people who are emotionally unavailable...
10. We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or
compulsive sexual activities...
11. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate
involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery...
12. We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue
them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and
expectations.
Hope this helps.
John
anon-6299@anon.twwells.com
From: winnie@spectra.net (winnie)
Newsgroups: alt.recovery.addiction.sexual
Subject: ARAS FAQ Draft v.0.9 2 of 8
Date: Mon, 04 Mar 1996 13:41:00 GMT
Organization: Spectra.Net (607) 798-7300
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Reply-To: winnie@spectra.net
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ARAS FAQ Draft v.0.9
"This FAQ is dedicated to the addict who still suffers."
LAST MODIFIED 02/08/96
KEY:
(-) Still requires writing or editing
(*) Revised since last posting
(+) New since last posting
2.0 A PROGRAM OF RECOVERY
2.1 OTHER THAN 12 STEP (+)
2.0 A PROGRAM OF RECOVERY
PREAMBLE
Ours is a fellowship of women and men who share our experience,
strength and hope with each other that we may solve our common
problem and help others to recover from their sexual addictions.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop compulsive
sexual behavior. There are no dues or fees for membership; we are
self supporting through our own contributions. We are not allied
with any organization. We do not wish to engage in any
controversy, endorse nor oppose any causes. Although there is no
organization affiliation between Alcoholics Anonymous and our
fellowship, we are base on the principles of AA. Our primary
purpose is to stay sexually healthy and help other sex addicts
achieve freedom from compulsive sexual behavior.
HOW IT WORKS
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our
path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not
completely give themselves to this simple program. They are
naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living
which demands rigorous honesty . . . They are those, too, who
suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them
do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what
happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want
what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then
you are ready to take certain steps. At some of these we balked.
We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not.
With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be
fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried
to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go
absolutely.
Remember that we deal with sexual addiction - cunning, baffling,
powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One
who has all power - that One is God. May you find God now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point.
We asked God's help with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of
recovery:
THE TWELVE STEPS
1. We admitted we were powerless over our
compulsive sexual behavior - that our lives
had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than
ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives
over to the care of God as we understood God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory
of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another
human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all
these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and
became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever
possible, except when to do so would injure
them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when
we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to
improve our conscious contact with God as we
understood God, praying only for knowledge of
God's will for us and the power to carry that
out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result
of these steps, we tried to carry this message
to others and to practice these principles in
all our activities.
Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it."
Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain
anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not
saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual
lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We
claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Our understanding of our sexual addiction and our personal
adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
a) That we were sexually addicted and could not manage our own
lives.
b) That probably no human power could have relieved our addictive
behavior.
c) That God could and would if God were sought.
THE PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will
be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a
new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor
wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity
and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have
gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That
feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose
interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-
seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life
will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave
us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used
to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us
what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being
fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They
will always materialize if we work for them.
THE TWELVE TRADITIONS
1. Our common welfare should come first, personal recovery depends upon
unity.
2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority - a loving God
as that God may express God's self in our group conscience. Our leaders
are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
3. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop compulsive
sexual behavior.
4. Each group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting other
groups or the fellowship as a whole.
5. Each group has but one purpose - to carry its message to those who still
suffer.
6. Our fellowship ought never endorse, finance or lend our name to any
outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert
us from our primary purpose.
7. Each group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside
contributions.
8. Our fellowship should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service
centers may employ special workers.
9. Our fellowship, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create
service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
10. Our fellowship has no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought
never be drawn into public controversy.
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than
promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of
press, radio, TV, and films.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever
reminding us to place principle above personalities.
2.1 OTHER THAN 12 STEPS
Q. What if 12-step programs are 'not right,' 'not comfortable,' or 'not
enough' for me? Do I lose out?
For many people the 12-step approach to recovery from sexual addiction
and other disorders encountered in life is not appropriate. There may
be many reasons for this, and if 12-step programs are not appropriate
for you there is nothing wrong with you or 'bad' about you. You are
just one of the millions that do not find 12-step programs compatible
with their lives. Some of the reasons people avoid or leave 12-step
programs are the following:
(1) Some people have encountered a sense of being judged in 12-step
meetings, that they are constantly feeling measured against (or measure
themselves against) others' experiences, and if they 'fail' at
achieving the program's objectives they feel inadequate, devalued
and a failure as people.
(2) Others may feel that there is too much emphasis on 'God', the
mere mention of which can be offensive to them (especially if they
have suffered religious, spiritual or social abuse in the name of
religious concepts). Some 12-step meetings use overtly Christian
prayers, and those of non-Christian orientations find this
objectionable.
(3) Some people may find the structure of the meetings
(opening, qualification, prayers, recitations, timed sharing,
no crosstalk, and formal closing) to be too confining and emotionally
and/or psychologically confining and oppressive.
(4) Even though such meetings may explicitly state they have
compassion for the suffering individual, it is a fact that some
people in 12-step meetings are zealous about their program and
about imposing it on others in hurtful ways. They can often turn
people away with their enthusiasm, and there are no fail-safe controls
built into meetings or into their members to prevent such abuses
from occuring. Programs and meetings are no better (or worse) than
the individuals who practice them, as is true for any
therapy, recovery mode, or human relationship in general.
In simple terms, 12-step meetings may be completely uncongenial
environments for many people, for one or more reasons.
Most people who need recovery are vulnerable in one way or another.
Recovery is about two things: first, healing itself, that is, a
reduction and cessation of the aggravating symptoms; and second,
empowerment, which to some may be construed as 'spiritual awakening'
and to others may be seen as a growth of living vitality and
productivity as well as self-esteem. However one wishes to structure
or view one's recovery, one has the right to choose which mode of
recovery works best for them. Vulnerable people are sometimes turned
off by strong personalities. They need a safe place in which to heal.
If a 12-step meeting does not 'fill the bill,' they need to find
something that will work for them. A therapist with a strong personality
and preconceived agenda can be as harmful to a vulnerable sexual
addict (or anyone else) as can be an overly zealous 12-step sponsor
or group member.
Q. What are some alternatives to the 12-step style of recovery?
Many people who have experienced addiction, compulsion, excessive
self-hurting behavior and obsession around sexuality (and other
behaviors and substances) have chosen other modes of recovery besides
12-step meetings:
(1) private therapy. There are many kinds of therapies available
today. There is psychoanalysis (traditional Freud-, Jung-, Janet- or
other-based approaches),
(2) hypnotherapy (deep relaxation and suggestion techniques),
(3) Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP, a formal therapeutic technique
requiring trained practitioners, which consists of transplanting
negative thought-paths with positive ones and of downsizing phobias
through specific exercises),
brucesane@aol.com (BruceSane) wrote:
> When something turns me on, I find my fascination with it is almost
> trance-like. My eyes don't blink, I breathe less, my body is stiff.
I know what that is. In my experience, it is a reliving of a distant-past
trauma where the fixation originated.
> sometimes find that if I consciouly do *anything* to break the trance --
> look away or close your eyes for a second -- it helps me a great deal to
> get in control.
Good sharing. I do that too. Thanks for telling us about it.
> I'm also working with my therapist on a technique from neuro-linguistic
> programming. What I'm learning to do is take some cue that triggers
> feelings -- in my case I've picked a picture of the eyes from making
> eye-contact with someone -- and an image that's positive for you -- in my
> case a picture of myself an my partner, retired, on a cliff looking over
> the ocean. The idea is that you can strengthen images by doing things to
> them like adding color/sound, increasing size, bringing closer. You can
> do the opposite by bleeding color out, shrinking, pushing away. The
> technique then is to get an automatic response (by practice) where you
> simulteneaously (sp?) shrink the bad image and enlarge the good image.
> It's a *lot* more effective than it sounds on paper. I'm working now on
> making this "switch" automatic.
Congratulations! This is really valuable. NLP (neurolinguistic programming)
is another effective technique for addressing addiction problems and
achieving recovery. A good friend of mine is an NLP teacher, and I once did
a workshop on cult-abuse trauma recovery in which the facilitator
demonstration NLP techniques like you describe. I found it useful, another
tool to make my recovery easier and more streamlined.
> The only thing is that getting to kind of the correct set of images,
> actions, cues, etc that had a strong effect for *me* was hard so I don't
> know if this is something you can just "do".
It does help to have someone who understands these techniques (an NLP
teacher, e.g., or a psychologist who has studied this stuff) demonstrate
it to you and be there with you when you try it, in case you start to
freak out. :) Just my $.02 worth.
> -Bruce-
Thanks again, Bruce, hope this helps someone reading it...
Rick
(4) group therapy led by one or more facilitators (not 12-step, more
therapeutic style),
(5) Rational Recovery (RR, a meeting-format support group which
eschews spiritual, 12-step philosophy and is based upon the writings
and therapeutic theories of its founder),
(6) psychopharmacological therapy (drug therapy),
(7) combinations of the above,
and others. There are also fraudulent people, including new-age
'cults' which promise to solve all one's problems if they will give
over all control of their lives to the cult and its techniques. Be
wary of people who have 'all the answers.' Their abusiveness, if
hidden at the outset, can be worse than the afflictions they purport
to cure.
Q. What are some criticism of 12-step programs?
Those who dislike 12-step meetings often complain of the 'disease
model' of 12-step groups. That is, they object to considering sexual
addiction as a disease. Rather, some would prefer seeing it as a
psychological maladjustment or negative coping skill to deal with
traumas experienced earlier in life. Some people in 12-step programs
go so far as to believe that they need to be 'in program' for the
rest of their lives. Many people feel that this 'life sentence' is
negative and self-destructive, and actually defeats true recovery.
Yet others object to the confessional nature of 12-step programs,
which often involve having a personal sponsor to whom one confesses
(through 'fourth step inventory') one's dark secrets and past
misdeeds, and of seeking reconciliation with those whom one has
harmed ('making amends'). While such persons do not object to taking
responsibility for onesself and one's actions, they do object to what
they perceive as the 'moral tone' of the 12-step approach and its
'moral view' of the 'disease' being a result of 'personality defects.'
Finally, There are some in 12-step groups who firmly believe that
*only* their 12-step program is valid for their problems, and others
are merely 'half-measures that availed us nothing.' Though this
statement can be interpreted as a personal revelation and joy in
discovering an effective method of recovery where other methods
failed, it can be and often is seen by others as arrogant and
judgemental of different recovery attitudes and methods.
Q. What should I do? How do I decide?
If these issues are important to sexual addicts in need of recovery,
they would do well to consider the field of other healing/recovery
possibilities, some of which are noted above, and to select the one
which is most comfortable and effective for onesself. They should
allow themselves to try and reject methods and not to have to force
themselves into any one 'mould' or mind-set of recovery.
It is therefore *most* important to find the valid mode of recovery
for yourself *in* yourself and in your own life, not in what
other people tell you and describe to you as 'the best.' Which is the
right way to go? The only advice to give in answer to this question
is, "Be a smart consumer." Just as you would take care selecting the
appropriate attorney or car repairperson, take care in selecting the
appropriate recovery mode for *you*. If the 12-step approach works for
you, congratulations! But if it does not, or if you are hesitant to
get involved in 12-step meetings, there are many other options available
to you.
========================
Respectfully submitted,
Rick S.
2.2 SPIRITUAL RECOVERY
Whatever your feelings on the details of the 12 Steps, the following
quote from Teilhard de Chardin hits home with me, "We are not human
beings having a spiritual experience. We are spitual beings having a
human experience." All these addictions and behaviors we've been
compelled to do are due to natural human frailties, and we have to
accept that and forgive ourselves in order to move on and try
to fight this addiction because we know it is self-destructive and
destructive to those we love as well.
I believe that the degree to which we align ourselves with the
spiritual aspects of the 12 steps, we can align our human experiences
more closely with our natural spitual being to live in greater
harmony and happiness. This, combined with getting absolutely clear
on all the negative effects in our lives of getting lost in the
compulsion, and sharing/helping others with similar problems can help
us rid ourselves of this addiction. By getting absolutely clear on
all the negative effects, I mean working at listing them in times of
sobreity, so they may come into mind when the compulsion is tempting.
What are all the negative effects in every area of your life,
professionally, socailly, physically, self-esteem, family life,
everywhere list them and get clear on them.
I've also found that I seem to have a "script" which leads me into my
bottom line behavior. Things that act like triggers such as
frustration at work, failure to keep appointments, failure socailly,
often just not living up to my standards. I need to recognize this
script and evaluate whether it's really logical to consider a source
of frustartion. If it is , then I need to gain control of that area
of my life. So much of my addiction in the past I believe to be the
result of seeking pain relief, pleasure of acting out, just as people
do with drugs or alcohol, DUE TO NOT GAINING CONTROL OF CERTAIN AREAS
OF MY LIFE AND EXPRESSING MYSELF IN THOSE AREAS. I find the more I
do that the less the need for the pain relief, of mindlessly being
lost in my bottom line behavior for hours late into the night/early
morning and all the negative effects of that which just lead to a
further need to do it again.
ITS ABOUT STOPPING THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL AND TURNING IT INTO AN UPWARD
SPIRAL!
God Bless You All and Good Luck to You,
Jim F.
From: winnie@spectra.net (winnie)
Newsgroups: alt.recovery.addiction.sexual
Subject: ARAS FAQ Draft v.0.9 3 of 8
Date: Mon, 04 Mar 1996 13:42:12 GMT
Organization: Spectra.Net (607) 798-7300
Lines: 435
Message-ID: <313af2f8.1537570@news.spectra.net>
Reply-To: winnie@spectra.net
NNTP-Posting-Host: pm152.spectra.net
X-Newsreader: Forte Agent .99d/16.182
ARAS FAQ Draft v.0.9
"This FAQ is dedicated to the addict who still suffers."
LAST MODIFIED 02/08/96
KEY:
(-) Still requires writing or editing
(*) Revised since last posting
(+) New since last posting
3.0 ISSUES IN RECOVERY
3.1 ABSTINENCE
3.2 THREE CIRCLES
3.3 BUILDING PARTNERSHIPS
3.4 HEALTHY SEXUALITY
3.5 RELASPE PLAN
3.6 HOW TO AVOID A SLIP
3.7 THE DAYTONA PROMISES
3.8 MESSAGE TO CHRISTIANS
3.0 ISSUES IN RECOVERY
Other thoughts about the faq: How to cope, aversion therapy, cycle
breaking, etiology of abuse and ptsd impact, healthy sex vs addictive
sex, relationships, others will occur, I expect...
3.1 ABSTINENCE
>I'm a little confused about what recovery really means. Some things
>you can physically survive removing from your life. Alcohol for one,
>sex is another. When folks are talking about recovering from sexual
>addiction, are they talking about not having sex at all?
No, not at all. Merely getting unhealthy compulsions under control.
Just as being a sex addict is not (necessarily) being either afflicted
with nymphomania or satyriasis (compulsion to have constant sex),
recovery from sexual addiction doesn't necessarily (and, probably, more
properly, doesn't *include*) mean abstinence from all sexual activity.
OTOH, celibacy, when chosen as a life style, is fine. In relationships,
however, unless it is discussed and agreed upon, it is anorexia if not a
mutual move. (Sexual anorexia is like food anorexia in that it is a
compulsive avoidance even when it is known that to do so is not healthy,
and that to partake can be life giving. In the case of sex, the
life-giving analogy is in the psychic and physical benefits to sex, not
mere sustenance as in the case of food.)
Most sexual addictions are a product of some compulsion or drive that
would not be present if the victim (the addict) were under control of
their feelings or other areas of influence. However, like all
addictions, sexual addiction is relentless and insidious. One must be
on guard against it always.
But, just as there are healthy ways to use food (as compared to
compulsive eating or anorexia), there are healthy ways to use sex. The
distinction is in the permission level, the legality, and the level to
which it is a controlling influence in ones life.
In the case of permission, if all participants agree that it is a good
thing to do, there aren't boundary crossings. *However,* if any of the
participants are incapable of giving full informed consent, then an
imbalance is present, and abuse can occur. (That abuse can be addiction
or boundary crossing, or both.)
In the case of legality, in our society, one may not, for example,
expose themselves publicly in nearly any forum. There are some cases
where *nudity* has been allowed, but the nature of the exposure there is
different, in that it is usually done in a non-provocative way.
In the case of control, if one is driven to do it, or, as is usually the
addict's case, over time, is driven to do it more and more, it is likely
addictive. Context is also significant here. An example would be
compulsive masturbation. Masturbation is not any more complicated than
massage of a body part. Depending on how it is done, and the skill
level employed, it usually feels good. But if one is driven to do it,
for example, 15 times a day, it is reasonable to conclude that there is
an obsession or compulsion present... Of course, along with that is the
time required to do it, and other things that affect the view of
"compulsive" vs simply "enjoyable"...
3.2 THREE CIRCLES
Peter B. wrote:
: Wendy asked...
: W> What does inner circle/middle circle/outer circle behavior mean?
: The circles concept of sobriety is from SAA. we draw 3 circles, one
: with the other.
: The smaller inner most circle we list all the addictive, compulsive
: sexual acting out behaviors we feel are what's making our
: lives uncontrollable and unmanageable.
: In the second circle, I list things which might cause me to
: slip into the inner circle behavior. Items I should avoid but
: even if I do not avoid them, I do not reset my sobriety clock.
: Only doing those items in my inner circle resets my sobriety
: clock.
: The last, largest, outer circle, I can list those sexual activities
: which I can enjoy and should attempt to cultivate. Most of
: these include sexual behavior with my wife that I enjoy and
: do not find compulsive.
: The circles are something an addict shares with their sponsor.
: I was at meeting where someone shared that the circles represent
: our sexual focus and disease in an enlightening way.
: The circles do not end with the third circle as he explained. That
: beyond the last circle lies EVERYTHING else. Things like
: fresh fallen snow, walks in a park, smiling at a baby, even
: sexual things that are neither addictive nor healthy just not
: part of our focus.
: When he looks at his circles and when I look at my own, I see
: how focused my life has been on my sexual acting out. Here's
: this really small circle compared to a world of experiences with
: a really small list of actions/behaviors which I can NOT stop.
: My life revolved around and was committed to this little
: insignificant list which was destroying me and who I wanted
: to be.
: This idea of the circles helped to put perspective to my addiction.
: It's helped me to find some sobriety and some serenity.
: Mine is a spiritual path of progress - not perfection....
: Peter B.
This was so good I did it immediately! I am really glad you posted this!
3.3. BUILDING PARTNERSHIPS
It would be naive to suggest to a sexual compulsive that simply finding an
engrossing new direction in life is enough for a contented life alone.
Our addiction served many purposes. It allowed at least a temporary
escape from the pain of our lives, and it provided excitement and pleasure
which we had seemed incapable of finding in any other way. But seeking to
escape pain and to increase pleasure is what all we human beings do,
although most do not go to such extremes, or use addictive avenues to
accomplish this. It is our belief that all along we were trying to derive
something more meaningful from our addictive activities. Perhaps we
confused sexual obsession and intrigue with love, but in the final
analysis it was authentic love we were, on a deeper level, seeking.
After we were sober for a while, we began to name this need which
drove us into more and more desperate and hopeless sexual/romantic
situations; the need for our lives to have meaning. Having a steady income
could be important, having a creative outlet was a pleasure, having
mutually supportive friendships was essential. But none of these gave our
lives meaning in the way we craved meaning.
We turned to philosophy and major religions to see how others,
non-addicts, derived meaning for their lives. The answer seemed to be
that the purpose of life is to love.
Perhaps our hungry search for "love" was not far off base after all.
While we were not able to extract lasting meaning from our addictive
situations, our need for meaning was real. We were right that a
meaningful life is one filled with love, but we had distorted that meaning
with selfishness, seeking only to "get " rather than to "give", to
"rip-off" rather then to contribute. There could be no enduring meaning
in "love" that was a rapid consumption commodity on an open market. In
SCA. the Eleventh and Twelfth Steps brought with them an idea that was a
breath of fresh air; it could be a more complete expression of love to
both give and receive. Each mode was the other's complement. Neither,
unto itself, was complete.
For some of us, the spiritual wisdom of the ages has led to a life
in which we have found satisfaction, happiness, and fulfillment in
learning to be of service to others on a give and take basis. The spirit
of service, both within SCA. and with the rest of humankind, has brought
to us a deep sense of communion with our inner selves, with the human
community, and with God. By expanding our definition of love beyond the
sexual and romantic context, and aligning ourselves with this larger
experience of love as we learn to give more freely of ourselves, we bring
ourselves into sobriety and recovery.
(excerpt from Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, chapter 8)
3.4 HEALTHY SEXUALITY
Q: How can you tell when sex is healthy and when it is addictive?
"My clients often ask me how they can tell if their thoughts and
activities are addictive as they move along in the process of recovery and
no longer find themselves pulled to the clearly addictive use of sexual
energy. The answer that makes intuitive sense to me is to check whether
thoughts or actions are narrowing down and constricting your experience of
life or are opening up and enhancing it. Addiction searches for the most
immediate pleasure and prevention of pain. This is quite different from a
life that is expansive - open to the pain of grief, the despair of healing
from loneliness and the enriching joy of living life fully."
Bill V.
3.5 RELASPE PLAN
I was introduced to the idea of a relaspe plan in Patrick Carnes'
Contrary_to_Love. At first the concept seemed self-defeating. With more
time in and a greater appreciation that the disease is "cunning, baffling
powerful and patient" I realized the wisdom. It is "Plan B" and
it's a lot like the plan that first got me on the
road to recovery.
My relaspe plan: I will talk to others. I will turn it over. I will
take it easy on myself. I will admit my powerlessnes. I will go to
(more) meetings. I will take care of myself. I will do those things that
got me sober. I will get input on how I can do better with future
challenges. I will reset the counter. {Two days sober, one day at a
time.} I will keep the focus on myself. I will put my recovery first. I
will recognize and affirm my humanity. I will work on my gratitude. I
will share my recovery with others.
Winnie
3.6 HOW TO AVOID A SLIP
We have to become willing to tolerate the discomfort of a frustrated
impulse - an incredibly difficult thing to do. Because not acting out is
like developing a new muscle. It feels there's something wrong, were
being brainwashed, we're making a terrible mistake.
Ironically, many of us sexual compulsives seem on the surface to be
easygoing and flexible people. But when it comes to changing our minds
about acting out, it would appear no force on earth can stop us. Here are
some practical steps designed to break through the sexual compulsive's
"whim of steel":
Pick up the phone: Don't tell yourself people don't want to be bothered:
phone calls are one of the ways we all stay sober. SCA is a selfish
program, and everything we do in it - including getting phone calls - is
for our own sobriety. Try calling somebody with a lot of sobriety. In
times of danger it's more important than ever to "stick with the winners".
Get to a meeting: Drag the body, even if you don't want to - especially
if you don't want to. Don't talk about it, just do it. Even if you feel
you'll die if you don't act out. You need to "bring the body" when the
mind doesn't want you to get better. Go to meetings, even when there is
something "more important" or more exciting or more fun you want to do.
Very subtly your value system will get healed.
Take the First Step: Repeat the words "We admitted we were powerless over
sexual compulsion - that our lives had become unmanageable, " until the
meaning begins to sink in. If we really accept that we have no power over
our compulsion, we will be able to turn it over - to our Higher Power, to
our sponsor, to the program.
Get an interim sponsor: It doesn't have to be a permanent marriage. Tell
someone you're in trouble and need help. All you have to do is ask for it.
Read SCA Literature: It can tide you over till you're able to make
contact with another member. It also deepens your knowledge of the
program, and no matter how often you read it, there's always something
surprising to learn.
Read over your sexual recovery plan: Remembering our goals helps us lose
the craving to go back to the anguish and confusion we are beginning to
ease out of.
Postpone the slip: Remind yourself you can have it later but you'll talk
to someone first.
Pray: Pray for help from your Higher Power - as you understand it or
don't understand it. Particularly effective is the Serenity Prayer: "God,
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage
to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." In
emergency situations some of us use it as a mantra, saying it over and
over till the crisis passes.
Break the habit pattern: We can't get sober in a vacuum. We can't simply
stop destructive behavior. We have to replace it with healthy new
activities. Often we have to be as compulsive for a time about sobriety
as we were about acting out. Try taking creative actions you've never
taken before. Prove to yourself you're capable of a health action by
taking it.
90 meetings in 90 days: A surefire way to learn the true meaning of
"First things first." Making a meeting every day no matter what is a
foolproof way to discipline deep habits of "giving in" and
self-indulgence - habits so deep they seem our true selves rather than
the voice of our illness.
Deep breathing: If you feel a panic attack coming on, try taking slow
deep breaths until sanity begins to return. Try other healing physical
activities like soaking in a hot bath or looking in a mirror and saying
"I love you."
Become willing: Open your mind to the possibility of giving up the slip,
rather than giving in to it. It will feel that there's no way you can
break the power of your own will. There is. But it can only be done by
taking a positive action. Willingness is action. Remember, there is hope,
there is a future.
Think the slip through: Ask yourself, Will you really get what you want
if you go through with this? Don't dwell on how exciting it's going to
be, but remind yourself of the misery that inevitably has to follow.
Accept that you are a sexual compulsive: Don't blame yourself for
wanting a slip. But don't give in to it, either.
StevenM (7 Years)
3.7 THE DAYTONA PROMISES
DAYTONA S.L.A.A.'S PROMISES
=============================
If you have decided to follow the suggestions of this program, a new
life will begin to unfold within you. Along with this new life are
promises which will guide and sustain you. They are manifested among us
in sobriety, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
1 ) We will regain control of our lives.
2 ) We will begin to feel dignity and respect for ourselves.
3 ) The lonliness will subside, and we will begin to enjoy being alone.
4 ) We will no longer be plagued by an unceasing sense of longing.
5 ) In the company of family and friends, we will be with them in both
body and mind.
6 ) We will persue interests and activities we desire for ourselves.
7 ) Love will be a committed, thoughtful decision, rather than a feeling
by which we are overwhelmed.
8 ) We will love and accept ourselves.
9 ) We will relate to others from a state of wholeness.
10 ) We will extend ourselves for the purpose of nuturing our own or
another's spiritual growth.
11 ) We will make peace with our past and make amends to those we have
hurt.
12 ) We will be thankful for what has been given us, what has been taken
away, and what has been left behind.
contributed by Jonathan H.
3.8 MESSAGE TO CHRISTIANS
Warning: the following post is chiefly of interest to practising
Christians. Since there are plenty of those in this group, I feel no
hesitation in posting essentially religious material.
Several Christians have posted here lately discussing their religion and
their addiction.
The role of Christianity in a sex addict's behaviour is complex. Some
sex addicts (myself included) only come to realize that they are sex
addicts because of the moral code of their religion runs contrary to
their sexual episodes. A religious addict is less likely to rationalize
that his or her behaviour is not wrong (though that doesn't stop them
from acting out).
On the other hand, religious notions of punishment and sin, if not
properly interpreted, may actually contribute to the addict's cycle of
despair by making them feel they have disobeyed God and thus are "evil".
This too has happened in my case.
Since my early teens I have practised an essentially self-taught breed of
Christianity with neither parental nor clerical instruction or approval.
This often led to misconceptions about religious practices which I now
realize fuelled my addiction. For instance:
1) The concept of love for others. This led me to believe that one
should always consider others' needs ahead of my own, and therefore it
would be selfish to "burden" others with my problems. For this reason, I
seldom sought advice or counsel or even talked about my feelings to
people. Actually, the Bible says "You shall love your neighbour AS
YOURSELF" - the last two words in the phrase cannot be overlooked. The
scripture is essentially admitting that you cannot love others without
loving yourself.
2) A similar misconception lies in equating self-love with selfishness.
This is a dilemma I still haven't fully resolved; but I do realize that
there is a difference between the two. You should treat yourself as a
living, breathing human being. You should no more curse or despise
yourself than you should hate any human being.
3) The idea of repentance. Many Christians are under the impression that
once they turn to Christianity, all their sinful behaviours will slowly
but surely disappear. This sometimes happens, but there is in fact no
biblical reason to believe that change happens all at once. All this
really is present is the *desire* to change, which as any addict knows is
impossible to actually implement on one's own. The concept of an HP,
however, fits very conveniently into Christian theology.
4) Guilt. Here the religious addict is at a clear disadvantage. Having
a clearly outlined moral code in their scriptural texts, Christians are
far more likely to judge or blame themselves as sexually wicked. They
are forgetting another biblical injunction: "Judge not, that you not be
judged". This verse says to judge NO one, not even yourself-ESPECIALLY
not yourself. That is a divine perogative only. If you have sinned, do
what you can to make amends to any victims and get on with your life.
You have no authority - and no right - to judge or punish yourself.
The biblical idea of infinite and absolutely unconditional divine love
for every human being is one that every addict should constantly remind
themselves of. Loving others does not mean tolerating abuse, degrading
yourself, or otherwise serving as a doormat. Rather, it means showing
genuine concern for all members of the human family - including yourself.
Thanks for reading.
Mark L.
From: winnie@spectra.net (winnie)
Newsgroups: alt.recovery.addiction.sexual
Subject: ARAS FAQ Draft v.0.9 4 of 8
Date: Mon, 04 Mar 1996 13:43:15 GMT
Organization: Spectra.Net (607) 798-7300
Lines: 260
Message-ID: <313af33a.1604029@news.spectra.net>
Reply-To: winnie@spectra.net
NNTP-Posting-Host: pm152.spectra.net
X-Newsreader: Forte Agent .99d/16.182
ARAS FAQ Draft v.0.9
"This FAQ is dedicated to the addict who still suffers."
LAST MODIFIED 02/08/96
KEY:
(-) Still requires writing or editing
(*) Revised since last posting
(+) New since last posting
4.0 THE NATIONWIDE FELLOWSHIPS
4.1 SEX AND LOVE ADDICTS ANONYMOUS
4.2 SEX ADDICTS ANONYMOUS
4.3 SEXAHOLICS ANONYMOUS
4.4 RECOVERING COUPLES ANONYMOUS
4.5 SEXUAL COMPULSIVES ANONYMOUS
4.6 INDEPENDENT MEETINGS
4.7 RECOVERY IS HAPPENING
4.8 REFERENCE
4.0 THE NATIONWIDE FELLOWSHIPS
People often ask why there are so many fellowships and how we
differ. The nationwide fellowships originated between 1976
and 1979 in widely separated parts of the country. Each had
already begun taking shape before learning of the others. As a
result, we developed differently, and most formed separate
networks. The differences have much to do with the personalities
and needs of the founding members, especially the experience,
strength and hope penned by our founders in their pamphlets and
texts, often called in the AA tradition our "big books".
We have in common a problem with sexual addiction and
compulsivity. We also have a common belief in the 12-step,
12-tradition program originated in 1935 by ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
(AA). We urge you to attend the meetings of your choice. And, if
you are unable to find those of a particular ilk, consider
attending another sort of meeting, as long as it is consistent with
your program of recovery.
The following are descriptions of groups represented on ARAS plus
others identified in the publication from which these descriptions
were taken.
4.1 THE AUGUSTINE FELLOWSHIP OF SEX AND LOVE ADDICTS ANONYMOUS
SLAA was founded in Boston in 1976 by a musician and his wife and
several other women and men with AA backgrounds. SLAA has always
had a broad paradigm embracing both male and female compulsivity,
and incorporating relationship and codependency issues. This has
resulted in the largest representation of women among all addict
groups. A 1989 SLAA survey reported 42% women which compares to
15% or less in the other addict fellowships.
>From the start SLAA founders got comfortable enough about their
recoveries to make public their meeting information much like AA,
times and locations usually published in area meeting lists, via
phone messages and often cited in the weekly events section of the
local newspaper.
Unlike the other fellowships, SLAA has permitted their big book,
_Sex_and_Love_Addicts_Anonymous_, to distributed by HAZELDEN, a
major retail book outlet. The revenues from literature sales has
pushed their annual fellowship income to twice that of the others.
In 1989 a monthly periodical, *The Journal*, came into being
patterned after AA's *Grapevine*. Stories submitted by members are
shared and members in remote places can experience "a meeting
through the mail" for a $15.00 annual subscription fee.
Their concept of recovery expects each woman and man to make a
personal list of "bottom-line" behaviors which are causing havoc in
their lives. Being sexually sober means not "acting out" those
sexually intriguing or abusing rituals. By the thirteenth year
(1989) an SLAA survey revealed a membership with an average of 18
months in the Program and an average of 13 months sobriety; 43% had
completed Steps 4-5, plus 22% completing Steps 6-9. Sexual
orientation of members was: 63% heterosexual, 11% bisexual and 26%
gay/lesbian.
SEX & LOVE ADDICTS AND ANOREXICS ANONYMOUS (SLA3) developed in
Denver, Boulder and Colorado Springs among SLAA members struggling
with compulsive "acting in", that is, feeling powerless about their
fears and avoidance of sexuality and intimacy. Like other SLAA
members, their goal is healthy sexuality and relationships, but the
focus is to stop "acting in". Out of a fellowship wide concern,
has come an SLAA pamphlet entitled: *Anorexia: Sexual, Social,
Emotional*.
4.2 SEX ADDICTS ANONYMOUS
SAA originated in Minneapolis, MN in 1977 when a group of ten men
(psychotherapists, clergy and one judge) began a very clandestine
weekly meeting. They had an acute need for confidentiality and
cautiously put the word out among other professionals only. To
this day, most of their 560 meetings are careful not to publicize
meeting locations, offering access only by a post office box or a
published phone number and then meet inquirers at a local
restaurant before escorting them to the first meeting.
Meetings that were either male-only or female-only characterized
their start, but today the majority meetings are mixed, with women
numbering 15% or less of the membership. This fellowship has
become a very safe and supportive place for recovering sex
offenders, although those individuals comprise a small minority.
With a broad diversity of heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual
behaviors being addressed, the fellowship developed from its start
a concept of each member defining her or his own "boundaries,"
separating sober, healthful sexuality from the old sexually
compulsive rituals. Individuals are urged to respect the sobriety
definitions of others no matter how much they may differ from one's
own.
Their monthly publication, *The Plain Brown Rapper*, contains
recovery stories, opinions on various issues as well as
announcements. SAA also has a new periodical by and for women
called *SISS (Sisters In Sexual Sobriety)*.
4.3 SEXAHOLICS ANONYMOUS
SA grew out of the search of a Silicon Valley technical writer in
California who found sexual sobriety through the support of
recovering alcoholics. From the start in 1978 he used his writing
talents to record their experiences. Carefully patterning
everything after Alcoholics Anonymous they coined the name
"sexaholics", specifically defined sexual sobriety for them selves,
and like the founders of AA, began passionately sharing this
journey with others.
Their anonymous self publishing led to attention by the media of
that little Los Angeles fellowship. A 1980 mention of SA's address
in a *Dear Abby* column resulted in a deluge of 3,000 inquiries.
Responding took almost a year and from that grew little pockets of
SA meetings across the USA and Canada.
In June 1984, SA began a practice of semi-annual gatherings held
each time in different cities. A big book and other literature,
including a quarterly newsletter, *Essay*, met the need for a
"written word" to support struggling little groups separated by
hundreds of miles. Gradually, regional conferences also came into
being across the USA, Canada and Germany as personal recoveries
deepened and networking broadened.
SA's goal has long been "progressive victory over lust" which is a
focus on elimination of sexually destructive thinking. They state
that "any form of sex with one's self or with partners other than
the spouse is progressively addictive and destructive". This
fellowship-defined sobriety definition keeps goals simple for
newcomers and they have found that "it works". Today within their
6,000 membership are perhaps a thousand with two or more years of
continuous SA-defined sobriety as well as a group of old timers
with more than ten.
4.4 RECOVERING COUPLES ANONYMOUS
RCA was started in 1988 in Minneapolis MN by three couples with
recoveries in SAA, COSA, BAA (BULIMICS & ANOREXICS ANONYMOUS), CODA
(CODEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS) and AL-ANON. Their concept has been to
work through the 12 Steps and attend meetings as a couple. All of
the issues inherent in one's other 12-step programs are relevant
and welcome so the twosome can develop greater openness, honesty
and trust. Straight, gay and lesbian couples are included in most
meetings and most of the 96 meetings include individuals from AA,
AL-ANON or any other 12-step programs.
Some groups have adopted a boundary that their group will
specifically address sex and love addiction. They feel that this
provides an environment where members won't feel uncomfortable
talking about sexual experiences which are laden with deep shame
and fears of rejection. RCA has a 150 page "big book", ten other
literature titles, 29 audio tapes from the former three
conferences, and a newsletter called *Hand In Hand*.
4.5 SEXUAL COMPULSIVES ANONYMOUS
SCA began in New York City in 1982 out of the discontent of several
gay men with the other programs shaped primarily by non-gays. From
their "S" group backgrounds plus AA, OA, and AL ANON, they
formulated a concept called the personal "sexual recovery plan".
Adopting and adapting the writings of AA, SLAA and outside books
like _Out_of_The_Shadows_ (Patrick Carnes, CompCare 1983), they
spread gradually in the gay communities of New York City and Los
Angeles. Their 29 page booklet and three other titles contain a
rich expression of the recovery process in the language of the gay
sub-culture. Their quarterly newsletter, *The SCAnner*, reports
110 weekly meetings. While made up predominantly of gay men, SCA
has a growing number of other men and women.
4.6 INDEPENDENT MEETINGS
At least a hundred independent "S" meetings can also be found
wearing names like Adult Children of Sex Addicts in Minneapolis,
Prostitutes Anonymous in Los Angeles, Adult Male Survivors of
Sexual Trauma in Houston, or the two meetings of SCA-Anon in New
York City. They function on a local basis and have no central
service office. Colorado has two independent groups.
SEX ANONYMOUS began in the summer of 1987 in Colorado Springs when
three men from AA and COCAINE ANONYMOUS (CA) adopted the AA big
books and (_Out_of_The_Shadows_ as a source of help for their
sexual compulsivity. The Tuesday night meeting soon extended to
Thursdays and Saturdays. In 1989, they reached out to sex addicts
behind bars in Canon City. That Monday night meeting at Fremont
Correctional Facility now averages forty and includes a step study
every other week. Choosing to remain unaffiliated, these meetings
have been very ecumenical with other meetings in their city and
continually involved in activities of the Colorado Service Group.
RECOVERING SEX OFFENDERS ANONYMOUS (RSOA) began meeting in Lakewood
in 1992 as a safe place for those who have sexually offended others
to find mutual support in working a 12-step program. Members with
eight and ten years of sexual sobriety are linked with those just
entering recovery and possibly just starting in the legal system.
Recently relocated to Denver, this weekly meeting is unaffiliated
with nationwide fellowships and utilizes literature and various
tools from the others.
4.7 RECOVERY IS HAPPENING
The diversity of approaches to sexual dependency problems is
creating a rich resource of help for a people imprisoned in shame
and denial around their sexually compulsive behaviors. Since 1984,
people in Colorado and Wyoming have banded together to find hope
and sexual health through the 12-step process proven so effective
by Alcoholics Anonymous. Gradually we are climbing out of broken
lives which were threatened with financial ruin, health problems,
suicide attempts, severe depression, broken relationships, failed
reputations, lost jobs, incarceration or the threat thereof, and
recurring emotional upheaval from the unhealed traumas of
childhood. Today the word "recovering" characterizes these lives,
and we are helping one another while we reach out empathetically to
"those who still suffer".
At the national level in 1995, SCA took a step further in recognizing
our common purpose by publishing 800-977-HEAL, a national hotline that
provides information about meetings listed with the various national
organizations, i.e. SAA, SLAA, etc.
4.8 REFERENCE
[The above information taken with permission from SEX ADDICTION
PROBLEMS ORGANIZATIONS, HOW THEY STARTED & WHY THEY DIFFER,
A "TAKE WHAT YOU CAN USE" PUBLICATION, flyer published by the
Colorado Service Group, P.O. Box 284, Englewood, CO 80151, (303)
427-0176.
For those wanting more detail about the national fellowships, a 12
page booklet entitled Twelve Step Resources for Sexual Addicts &
Co-Addicts (1989) can be ordered for $2.00 from the National
Council on Sexual Addiction. The booklet contains seven parallel
columns listing information about the fellowships such as: meeting
practices, beliefs, adaptations of AA's 12 Steps, and fellowship
literature.]
From: winnie@spectra.net (winnie)
Newsgroups: alt.recovery.addiction.sexual
Subject: ARAS FAQ Draft v.0.9 5 of 8
Date: Mon, 04 Mar 1996 13:44:59 GMT
Organization: Spectra.Net (607) 798-7300
Lines: 262
Message-ID: <313af378.1665380@news.spectra.net>
Reply-To: winnie@spectra.net
NNTP-Posting-Host: pm152.spectra.net
X-Newsreader: Forte Agent .99d/16.182
ARAS FAQ Draft v.0.9
"This FAQ is dedicated to the addict who still suffers."
LAST MODIFIED 11/17/95
KEY:
(-) Still requires writing or editing
(*) Revised since last posting
(+) New since last posting
5.0 ARAS -- alt.recovery.sexual.addiction
5.1 ANONYMITY
5.2 ADDITIONS/CHANGES/ERRORS
5.3 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS (-)
5.0 ARAS -- alt.recovery.addiction.sexual
Welcome! We're glad you're here. We hope you find here the friendship
we have been privleged to enjoy. We are a composite; there are members
of SAA, SCA, SLAA, etc.; people who choose something other than 12 step
recovery; and, people entirely new to the idea of recovery from sexual
addiction. The idea is that it is a "we" program.
I spoke with a representative of SAA's NSO about help with a FAQ for
ARAS. He/she gave me the "each group autonomous" rap.
Her/his personal opinion was to encourage readers to join
a
local group. The idea is to avoid isolation; there is no substitute for
personal contact. He/she thought this particularly relevant for people who
use computers as a means to act out.
5.1 ANONYMITY
(see Tradition Twelve)
When ppl get to ARAS they want to know how to post anonymously. The
quickest and most secure method used by ARAS members is to send a message
to help@anon.twwells.com and obtain an anoymous id. Then messages
sent through anon.twwells.com will omit your normal identification.
anon.twwells.com is devoted to recovery groups only. In the past,
there has been controversy about the security of messages posted to twwells.
If you want to learn more about protecting your anonymity, you may want
to gopher to:
Ball State University (root) Gopher Server
Gopher Servers - Ball State
Chaos Gopher Server
Cypherpunks Gopher Server
Anonymous Mail
FAQs
Anonymity on The Internet
PGP FAQ
or finger remailer.help.all@chaos.bsu.edu. Be safe.
ADDENDUM TO ANONYMOUS POSTING
I think the amount of info currently in the FAQ on posting anonymously is
insufficient. I have therefore taken the liberty of posting this. Feel
free to check it for accuracy; if everyone likes it, it can be included.
Q. I don't want my name being found on this newgroup by certain people.
Is there any way I can post and email without my name being shown?
A. Yes, there are 'anon servers'.
Q. How do these work?
A. Normally, whenever you send emails or posts, your software adds a
header to the top identifying both its destination and its source (that
is, YOU).
What an anon server does is simple: it DELETES the header you send it and
subsitutes another that has no mention of your name. It then sends the
message to the destination, who thus receives a message from your account
on the anon server rather than your 'home' address.
Q. But can't my address be traced?
A. Not from the message. Your message will simply appear as being from
an214243@anon.twwells.com or whatever. The link between your anon address
and your home address lies buried in the records on the anon servers and
is never transmitted.
Of course, a truly brilliant hacker could probably snoop out the real
id's, but it would take a good deal of effort, and hackers who can do
this are probably busy breaking into banks :)
Q. Does it cost anything?
A. Not a cent.
Q. Does this mean I have to remember another account number?
A. Actually, you don't.
Q. What can the service do?
Anon.twwells.com offers fast and (for most users) easy service but is
somewhat limited. You can only email someone with an anonymous address
on anon.twwells.com, and nowhere else. You can only post to a short list
of recovery newsgroups (including aras, so don't worry).
[Editor's comment: In earlier days, there was controversy about twwells.
There were charges by members of another newsgroup that the system
administrator was reading their mail.]
Q. How do I set up an account with anon.twwells.com?
A. Send a blank message to ping@anon.twwells.com.
Q. How do I post to aras with anon.twwells.com?
A. Send your message to alt.recovery.addiction.sexual@anon.twwells.com,
and don't forget to delete your signature.
The first text line should be:
ANON-Name:
This is optional, but if you want to appear you must do so every message.
Q. How do I send email?
A. Send it to the person's anon id (anon-1234@anon.twwells.com). If the
person does not have an id on that server, there is no way you can email
anonymously. Further, the person may block emails to their anon address.
Q. How can you block emails?
A. In any message to the server (either a posting or message to
ping@anon.twwells.com) include as the first text line:
ANON-Mail: no
This will send all emails back to sender. Use ANON-Mail: yes to receive
emails.
Q. How do I get further help?
A. Email help@anon.twwells.com, or for specific questions email
anon-0@anon.twwells.com.
Q. Is there any disadvantage to using anon servers?
A. Yes. You can't post a followup to a thread, unless your newsposter
software allows you to insert lines into the header. In which case you
simply type:
References:
and there you go. This has to be in the header, not body, and most
newsreader software doesn't allow this.
5.2 ADDITIONS/CHANGES/ERRORS
I also figure that posting what we have at this point and soliciting
input from any who are reading and also watching for good posts on
whatever topic (generated by response, probably, to someone else's
post), and continually upgrading the faq might be better than trying to
get it all right, all at once.
For example, a general outline "white paper" first, with requests for
topical areas that should be added, as well as soliciting submissions
about any listed or added areas, then publishing the first version as
.1, the next as .2, and so on, till we get to a 1.0...
To discuss changes, additions, errata e-mail winnie@spectra.net
5.3 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Many thanks to Cat for starting ARAS with the help of Skip Gundlach.
The section 1.0 SEXUAL ADDICTION originated as a post by Skip Gundlach on
ASAR (alt.sexual.abuse.recovery).
The section 2.1 HOTLINES is extracted from a periodic posting entitled ? by
?
The entire part 4 on NATIONAL FELLOWSHIPS written by Rich Salmon.
The section 6.1 POSTING originated as a post by Cat on ARAS in 'the early
days'. A large segment was added by Peter B.
From: winnie@spectra.net (winnie)
Newsgroups: alt.recovery.addiction.sexual
Subject: ARAS FAQ Draft v.0.9 6 of 8
Date: Mon, 04 Mar 1996 13:46:02 GMT
Organization: Spectra.Net (607) 798-7300
Lines: 560
Message-ID: <313af3e4.1773308@news.spectra.net>
Reply-To: winnie@spectra.net
NNTP-Posting-Host: pm152.spectra.net
X-Newsreader: Forte Agent .99d/16.182
ARAS FAQ Draft v.0.9
"This FAQ is dedicated to the addict who still suffers."
LAST MODIFIED 11/17/95
KEY:
(-) Still requires writing or editing
(*) Revised since last posting
(+) New since last posting
6.0 POSTING (*)
6.1 EXAMPLE OF HOW IT WORKS --
DISCUSSION ON FEELINGS
6.2 EXAMPLE OF HOW IT WORKS --
DISCUSSION ON SEXUAL FANTASIES (+)
6.0 POSTING
: I would like to post here but before doing so would like information
: about what rules or guidelines I should follow. Should graphic
descriptions
: be avoided?
You are certainly welcome to post your story; however, a spoiler with
keywords to alert people to whom it might be triggering is required. It
should look like this:
SPOILERED FOR CONTENT - - mention of acting-out behaviors, may get graphic
(followed by a couple screensful of lines, blank or whatever)
We DO try to avoid graphic descriptions, sometimes things can be told
without being so graphic. This is encouraged.
:
: The reason I am asking is that it would feel very healing for me to be
: able to post the exact nature of my addiction. Knowing that I did so
: here would be a very powerful 5th step for me.
:
I DO agree that this is helpful--especially cuz you can expect us
friendly types to offer suggestions out of concern. I personally am
having trouble posting such a story in this virtual public place (be
informed that this newsgroup is available to any newsreader that carries
it, and probably has more lurkers than necessary sometimes. A few trolls
have already posted their crap, and were promptly ignored. We are trying
to make this a safe space [thus the spoiler] and I think the weeks of
supportive stuff devoid of sexual content makes trolls/inappropriate
lurkers lose interest. Note, lurkers who are sincere are welcome; it is
not a requirement to post, but we WOULD welcome hearing from you!).
1) yes, spoilers good idea. That letter I responded to, it was only by the
grace of God that I handled it properly. Guys, sometimes I'm not strong
enough to handle it. I DO think if we start printing all kinds of
graphic stuff, it will attract trolls, much like flies to garbage (apt
metaphor?). I don't mind helping where I can; 12th-stepping is good.
2) Please bear in mind that the purpose of this group is to help admitted
addicts to break free of what is - to the individual - sick,
uncontrollable, etc.
3) It is up to the individual to decide if he/she is a) an addict, and
b)what is unacceptable behavior. This rule sets in SLAA and I think it is
needed here, too.
4) If you have a problem with advice, maybe we could have guidelines:
for example, to precede a paragraph of whatever:
NOTE: I am dumping only. Need an ear, not advice
or,
NOTE: Help! I'm asking for your opinion!
5) Due to the nature of this newsgroup, sooner or later trolls will ooze
out of the bandwidth. Guys, we NEED to make this a safe space! If
trolls walk all over us. we will not feel safe enough to open up, which
is how recovery begins, and continues. ALL TROLLISH BEHAVIOR MUST BE
DEALT WITH!!! I have seen that people CAN, and DO, lose account priv
because of grossly inappropriate behavior; even if we have to email a sysop
another state. There are other groups, like alt.sex.icky-stories, if you
are so inclined. A keyword around here is 'appropriate' -- what is
appropriate behavior. Please be mature about this.
Addendum to #5 by Paul H.
Yeah, we've had trolls from all directions. Every time I see an infraction,
I try to make a judgement call. Was the person sincere about the post?
Were
they just ignorant on what this newsgroup is about? If so, I send a
message
to the offending party, politely informing them of the inappropriateness
of the post. It does get results. Remember the apology posted by the
fellow who felt the need to tell an off color joke in response to an ad
for X-rated gifs? Some people just don't think about the consequences
of their posting activity. On the other hand, there are the X-rated phone
line ads that really anger me (use of phone sex lines was part of my
bottom line behavior). On postings of this nature, I go straight to the
administrator (addresses of system administrators can be obtained by
invoking the "whois -h rs.internic.net" command. In several cases the
posters' actions resulted in disciplinary action by the system
administrator.
The important thing is that when we do see trolling, we take action.
Correct action can be a polite letter to a system administrator (like the
one
I posted regarding a particular offender). Just be sure you have the
documentation
ready. Include the newsgroup, the article i.d., the user i.d., and a
explanation of
why the postwas inappropriate.
I hope this helps. We now return to regularly scheduled recovery
discussion :-).
Regards,
Paul H.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter B.'s Addendum on Posting
>>Who is permitted to post within ARAS?
Anyone interested in sharing their experience, strength, or hope
in stopping compulsive sexual behavior. Or anyone wanting to
know more about sexual addiction. As most sexual addiction
12 Step Groups put it... The only requirement for membership is
the desire to stop compulsive sexual behavior. Being an internet
newsgroup, opens this area to anyone interested or concerned
about sexual addiction/compulsion/obsession.
>>Do I have to be a sex addict to post in ARAS?
No. It's important to remember this newsgroup is for issues
of many trying to sort out what is healthy sexuality and what is
addictive sexuality.
>>Are child molestors permitted to post in ARAS?
Yes, if they are here to deal with a compulsive sexual behavior.
Anyone - molestor, survivor, rapist, victim - needing and wanting
help to stop compulsive sexual behavior is welcome to join
ARAS.
>>Are children permitted to post within ARAS?
It's a public newsgroup without restriction. Even if teen-agers
"were" not permitted to post, they may be reading the posts within
this newsgroup. It's important to consider that fact because some
of what we discuss, if done so with foreknoweldge, in poor taste,
in the presence of children could be construed by some as child
sexual abuse.
Anyone under the legal age of consent should disclose such so
that the assumption of dealing with an adult is not made. This is
not to shame teen-agers looking for help but to see that posts are
age appropriate and take into account their less extensive
life experiences. They need help and we can offer guidance.
APPROPRIATENESS:
>>What may I post and what should I keep from posting?
What's APPROPRIATE:
*****APPROPRIATE ******
Sharing of your own experience, strength, or hope in your
recovery from sexual addiction.
If you are new to sexual addiction or confused by it, it is
appropriate to ask questions. Better yet is to explain from your
experience, what you may be questioning.
Sharing your story of what has brought you to consider yourself
a sex addict. This may include whatever you are comfortable in
sharing. This may include abuse suffered as a child, various
acting out behaviors, the consequences of that behavior, and
whether you have found an S*A meeting.
Giving feedback if it's requested. Giving support as you feel it.
Sharing the spiritual path of your recovery from your point of view
as you define your Higher Power.
*********************************
What's not Appropriate:
***** NOT APPROPRIATE *****
Off-colored jokes, x-rated language, and pick-up (come-on) lines.
This is not an area to cruise for sexual arousal or sex partners.
Posts indicating or implying such are out of line.
Advertisements - especially dating or x-rated material - are not
appropriate for this newsgroup.
Judgemental or shaming statements concerning another person's
sexual identity or preferences.
Judgemental or shaming statements concerning a person past
sexual acting out behavior.
Judgemental or shaming statements concerning another person's
personal definition of their Higher Power.
**********************************
Basically, sharing your own inventory is appropriate and taking
some else's is not.
SAFETY:
SAA, SLAA, SCA, and SA are made up of a variety of
individuals. Some groups define the sexual sobriety for
their members and others encourage each member to define
their own healthy sexuality.
Issues of offending, survivoring, heterosexuality, homosexuality,
Christianity, Buddhism, Judiaism, Catholicism, Wiccan/witch
craft, gays, bi-sexuals, straights, pro-choice, pro-life or whatever
are issues outside the realm of ARAS.
These issues outside sexual addiction and as such ARAS has no
opinion on these outside issues. Each member may hold a
personal opinion concerning any or all of the above. Please
remember that ARAS has one primary purpose - to carry the
message to the sex addict still suffering. This is an area for sex
addicts.
>>What does any of that have to do with safety?
Sex addiction, like most other addictions, tends to be shame
driven. Safety for the members of ARAS comes from each of us
understanding that while we may all be different, we may all hold
different opinions, we are all still combatting the same disease.
We need to show love and compassion for the pain each
member shares.
>>I was molested as a child and there may be child molestors
>>posting, how safe will I be?
If what you mean, is how safe will you feel? Then that's a
different story. Those within ARAS whose past included child
molesting, are not presently molesting. For many of them, it was
the revelation of their destructive behaviors that brought them out
of denial and into ARAS, SAA, SLAA, SCA, or SA.
Many molestors have developed an empathy for survivors and
many survivors have come to learn more about combatting their
sexual addiction from past offenders. Members are requested
to consider that whatever your problem, there are those among
us who have had them too. If you try to keep an open mind you
will find help. Talk to each other, reason things out with someone
else, but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another.
Instead let the understanding, love and peace of the program
grow in you one day at a time. And the greatest of these is love.
To paraphrase from various other sources..
If I give all I possess and let go completely, but have not love, I
gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it
is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not sex, it is
not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not
delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects
always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never
fails.
The welcome we give one another may not show the warmth we
have in our hearts for each other. But after awhile we've
discovered that although we may not like everyone that we love
each other in a very special way - the same way they love us.
" Accordingly, we should continue to ask ourself with each post,
'Am I posting in good conscience? Am I expressing 'me'
without judging another? Does this post, detract or foster
a safe, supportive, healing, loving environment to deal with our
past, present, and future sexuality?' "
6.1 EXAMPLE OF HOW IT WORKS
DISCUSSION ON FEELINGS
A post on ARAS and reply>
: Anyways, it seems like I am still in a withdrawal from my SO. I guess it
: really has only been 4 days since she told me she needs to let go of the
: relationship, meaning that we are not going to be able to work on a
: friendship together.
: Last night I was so damm lonely I really felt empty inside. Luckily I
was
: able to recognize it, and for the first time in many years did not act
out
: because of it. I called a friend, and spent the evening reading, a bit
of
: easy yoga, and prayer. I am so f-ing isolated right now, and I know that
I
: am facing a few more months of this before I can move back to the place
of
: my birth L.A.
: I know so clearly today that the core of my addictions and the central
: piece of my recovery is to heal the inner void I experience in my soul.
I
: get into this place of totally nothingness, and then freak out and try
and
: fill it with food and sex. I need to accept the void when it comes up, I
: need to pray to my HP to fill it with its presence. I can no longer
expect
: or hope that people will fill the void for me. Sure, being alone makes
it
: worse, but it is not the cause, as the void is present, although less
: frequently, when I am with a lover. Perhaps I may find the strength and
: courage to enter it totally the next time it appears, rather then the
usual
: denial of it and running from it.
Trying to hide bad feelings is what acting out is for. If you felt fine
after this experience with your X I would be wondering about you :)
The withdrawl experience plus what you are going through with the
relationship is painful. In recovery, we get to feel what feelings are
really like rather than masking them with sexual thoughts and actions.
There is a reason to stay sober. If you can't find one then do the
exercise that I give my sponsees when they can't seem to remember
why...Take out some paper and write a few paragraphs on "Why Bother".
Why bother to go through this pain and discomfort . Why bother going to
meetings and sitting on cold metal chairs and listen to people whine and
complain that they are doing their best while trying to pick up the
person next to them in the meeting.
There is nothing worth slipping over. I watched my best friend in program
nurse his lover with AIDS right up until the second that he died, and he
didn't slip. My first sponsor didn't slip even though his death was very
painful from neuropathy in his feet and his chest. If these people can do
it then so can I, with my petty problems. THe one thing that I learned
from them was this: THERE IS NOTHING WORTH ACTING-OUT OVER...NOTHING!
I am sorry to hear about your relationship, but keep in mind, your
relationship with yourself and your HP is forever, might as well make it
a priority.
Steven M. (7 years)
6.2 EXAMPLE OF HOW IT WORKS --
DISCUSSION ON SEXUAL FANTASIES
Nick wrote:
> I am having problems with sexual fantasies. I have been able to
> abstain from acting out physicaly for over a year now but I still
> can't stop fantasizing about certain women that I come in contact
> with. I find that when I do that it inhibits me from having genuine
> relationships with those women. I am so embarassed about having
> sexualized them secretly in my thoughts and I am so worried about
> what these women would think about me if they knew what I was thinking
> that I clam up whenever I am around them. How am I ever going to get
> married and experience a healthy sex life if my sex drive is causing
> me to have these fantasies which only drives a wedge between me and
> any women who could be serious candidates for a serious relationship?
> Am I crazy or can anyone else here relate to this?
ARAS responded:
Sexual fantasies are not unusual. We (including me) all have them. I
would be more concerned about how you are reacting to them -- from your
sharing, you seem to have a low self esteem about yourself.
Some people and organizations/12 step groups, say that it is possible for
you to be addicted to fantasies even if that is all you are doing (i.e.,
even if you never act out on them). I am not sure if I would personally
agree with that. However, if you find yourself compulsively masterbating
to your fantasies, then I would suggest that you may have a behavior that
could be addictive.
Ask yourself if your fantasies are occuring so often that they are
controlling your life and preventing you from functioning in a normal
fashion. If the answer is yes, then I would definately do something about
it.
There are many avenues you can take in addition to lurking in this
newsgroup. From the limited amount of sharing you have done here, I would
suggest you find a therapist in your area that specializes in sex
addiction. I am not suggesting that you are definately a sex addict but
even if your not, a professional therapist is more qualified to help you
get understand and deal with your thoughts than most people in this
newsgroup (including me).
If you feel up to it, or your therapist suggests, try attending a 12 step
sex addiction group meeting in your area. If you have multiple groups to
choose from, you may want to start with Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) which I
understand concentrates more on sexual fantasies than the group I go to
(Sex Addicts Anonymous - SAA). There are also two other groups - Sexual
Compulsives Anonymous (SCA) and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). I
can supply you with all the national phone numbers if you like, or I can
find meetings in your area if you contact me with your city.
There are also many books which address sexual addiction. The most
popular is "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes.
I hope some of the above helps you get started.
Good luck and have a great weekend,
Joel I.
Hi Joel,
Thanks for your reply to my post. You made a good point there about
low self-esteem. I think because of my religious background that I
have developed a false humility where I have put myself down and
thought of myself as not being as good as other people. I've
learned that is not the true meaning of humility and I am trying to
learn how to accept myself while not thinking myself to as better
than other people. This has affected my sexuality where I have
developed a self-image of not being attractive to the opposite sex.
Therefore I've concealed my feelings when I'm attracted to someone
out of fear of rejection. I have been in counseling before about
this and have really benefited from that but it seems (as you
pointed out) that my reaction to my fantasies shows that some of
those feelings of low self-esteem have lingered.
In your reply you said:
>However, if you find yourself compulsively masturbating to your
>fantasies, then I would suggest that you may have a behavior that
>could be addictive.
I don't think this would apply to the fantasies that I was talking
about. I was talking about fantasies concerning women that I
actually come in contact with and interact with. I have been
sexually sober for over a year now when it comes to physically
acting out. Even when I have acted out physically I've made it a
rule to focus on women I do not know (like movie stars) in my
fantasies. The guilt I would experience from fantasizing about
women I know while physically acting out would make it almost
impossible for me to look them in the eye or interact comfortably
with them.
Still, there are a few women I feel strongly attracted to that I
have fallen into fantasizing about just during the normal course of
the day. I guess this is normal but I still feel embarrassed and
guilty about it when I'm around them. Maybe it's because the person
in my fantasies and the real life person are two separate entities.
When I fantasize about someone that person becomes a phantom that
will perform for me at my beck and call. When I actually see her in
real life I realize that she is an actual person with an identity
and a will all her own. If I'm going to interact comfortably with
the real life person then the phantom person in my fantasies will
have to fade away. The more I keep this phantom in the front of my
mind the harder it will be to develop a relationship with the real
life person.
I find that the less I know someone the more of a problem I have
with this. The more I get to know someone the more I identify with
her as being an individual with a personality and an intellect and
the easier it is for me to respect her in my thought life. That
makes me a lot more comfortable relating to her so it's easier to
build a relationship with her. If don't really know someone well
then it's harder for me to identify with her as a person and it's
easier to think of her as a sex object. The problem I have when I
first meet someone I'm strongly attracted to is breaking the ice
with her and really starting to get to know her before those
fantasies start to invade and alienate me from her. If I hesitate
or back down then the harder it is to break the ice and begin a
relationship.
It's important to be attracted to someone you're going to commit to
in a relationship but it's a lot more important to be compatible
with that person. Finding out if you are compatible means actually
getting to know all about that person. This takes a lot of time and
work. I think that the most important sex organ is your mind.
That's what you use to relate to people and build relationships
with them.
That's why I think it's a bad idea to have sex with someone you are
attracted to before you really get to know that person. What
happens if you are physically bonded with someone and you find out
you are not compatible? It's going to be a lot harder to get out of
that relationship than if you had waited to get to know each other
first. You should bond socially, intellectually and emotionally
before you bond physically. Sex is meaningful when you are
attracted to someone you're compatible with and you really love
each other. If your attracted to each other but you don't know each
other enough to know if you're compatible or to know if you really
love each other then it becomes cheap and meaningless.
That's all I have to say about that. Thanks for giving me the
opportunity to share.
Nick
This is a tough issue. I don't think the question is whether fantasies
are bad in general, but whether they are unsafe for THAT person. My
definition of unsafe is "potentially escalating to the undesired
behavior". For many people, you're right and it's not a problem. May
even be a help in replacing bad behavior with something more contained.
For other people it may lead them to more vivid fantasies and eventually
to acting out.
For what it's worth, in my own case I do use fantasy quite a bit, but it
appears to make a big diffrence whether or not I include myself in the
fantasy. It appears to be somewhat safe if, say, I imagine two people
having sex, as opposed to imagining myself having sex with someone. I've
found several occasions where the second is much more "attractive" and has
led me astray.
-Bruce-
This topic of fantasies is most interesting. The whole topic of what is
to be considered compulsive is interesting! I, personally, have a lot of
*good* feelings about sex and it's place in our lives. And I feel ok
about some fantasizing, too. The main question for me is whether or not
some behavior is feeling out of control... whether it's something that I
have been trying to stop or limit and have not been able to. Whether
it's something that I do at times/places and to such an extent that it
gets in the way of my accomplishing other things I need or want to do.
Example: For me, masturbating at home, in bed, just before sleeping, with
a brief fantasy, is really ok. (This is just for me... I don't speak for
anyone else.) But masturbating in the bathroom at work at the end of my
work day when I'm supposed to be on my way to pick up my daughter and I'm
already late is *not* ok. And if that happened once in a blue moon,
maybe even *that* would be ok... but if I've done it repeatedly and
promised myself that I won't do it any more, and continue to do it...
well, you get the picture. Compulsive behavior!
I know a woman who tells me that she doesn't act out sexually in RL at
all, really. She just has teenage-like romantic fanatasies about men who
are completely inaccessible to her. But she does this to run from
pain... she'll indulge in fantasies about people for weeks on end and
distract herself from the rest of her life. ANd the whole thing is
tinged with pain, she says. So for her, fantasy alone is a form of
acting out.
I like that fact that we get to decide for ourselves (hopefully with the
help of a Higher Power) what is addictive for us. This sex thing... it's
a lot like overeating... we're dealing with inappropriate or excessive
involvement with something which really should be and can be a wonderful,
healthy part of life. That's why it's complicated, and why we don't all
have the same bottom line, I believe.
- Mona
From: winnie@spectra.net (winnie)
Newsgroups: alt.recovery.addiction.sexual
Subject: ARAS FAQ Draft v.0.9 7 of 8
Date: Mon, 04 Mar 1996 13:47:26 GMT
Organization: Spectra.Net (607) 798-7300
Lines: 195
Message-ID: <313af425.1838120@news.spectra.net>
Reply-To: winnie@spectra.net
NNTP-Posting-Host: pm152.spectra.net
X-Newsreader: Forte Agent .99d/16.182
ARAS FAQ Draft v.0.9
"This FAQ is dedicated to the addict who still suffers."
LAST MODIFIED 11/17/95
KEY:
(-) Still requires writing or editing
(*) Revised since last posting
(+) New since last posting
7.0 OTHER INTERNET RECOVERY (+)
7.1 FTP SITE
7.2 WEB SITES (*)
7.3 IRC CHAT (*)
7.0 OTHER INTERNET RECOVERY (+)
I look forward to the day when ARAS has its own web site. Meanwhile . . .
7.1 FTP SITE
You can FTP information to ftp.netcom.com:/pub/aras/incoming or
/pub/zorba/incoming (same thing...just linked). I will put them into
/pub/zorba/aras/faq and /pub/zorba/faq. I have other groups as well that I
will be storing information on as well.
7.2 WEB SITES (*)
Three of the four major "S" fellowships now have home pages on the
World Wide Web.
Sex Addicts Anonymous: http://www.saa-recovery.org/
Sexual Compulsives Anonymous: http://www.sca-recovery.org/
Sexaholics Anonymous: http://www.sa.org/
In addition, a relatively new fellowship, Sexual Recovery Anonymous,
has a site at http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/sra/
At this writing, there is no home page for Sex and Love Addicts
Anonymous.
SCA maintains an extensive page of information about recovery on the
Web and other interfellowship resources, including this FAQ:
http://www.sca-recovery.org/inter-s/
In addition, some private individuals have offered Web pages on
recovery. One that has extensive cross-links is:
http://home1.gte.net/sdg/s_addict.htm
Another has sometimes erroneously been referred to as the SLAA
page, but in fact is by an individual with a Christian bent. It was
one of the first Web pages devoted to sexual recovery:
http://www.wam.umd.edu/~lihn/sexlove/
A site to combat addiction to pornography, also with a Christian
orientation, is at:
http://www.stolaf.edu/people/bierlein/noxxx/noxxx.html
7.3 IRC CHAT (*)
The following is something I quickly put together this morning because
I am concerned about people not getting my email responses to their
requests for SLAA IRC meeting information, and also to lighten up my
work load. If you have received information via email from me please
let me know how you are doing. I don't claim that this information is
complete, and additional information or comments are welcomed and
encouraged. Please notify me via email at:
anon-5676@anon.twwells.com
1. I don't know a thing about IRC. What is it and how do I do it?
Answer: IRC stands for Internet Relay Chat. IRC allows you to chat
with your keyboard to people all over the world. You need IRC client
software and a client server to participate in chats. I run Windows
3.1, and use WSIRC shareware that I downloaded at http://vsl.cnet.com/
The server I connect with is irc.colorado.edu I know of three ports
available at irc.colorado.edu, 6665, 6666, 6667. You also need to
specify a nickname for yourself, which is how other IRC participants
identify you. My WSIRC shareware also came with a text file IRC
Primer which gives detailed information about IRC, including other
servers, etc. You also need to have IRC service provided to you by
your internet provider. I read in the primer that most do, and if
they don't they easily can but you need to request it.
2. Is there anybody out there who is willing to help me get this
working?
Answer: Yes. Contact Joe A. at anon-5676@anon.twwells.com
3. Is there anything I need to know about SLAA IRC meetings?
Answer: Yes. Try to be on time. If you can't though, don't let it
stop you from joining the meetings. We have always had somebody at
the meetings act as moderator. Anybody who
wants to share requests to do so by entering !, and the moderator
gives permission to people to go ahead. It is difficult for the
person who is sharing to keep on track if people interrupt, so try to
keep that to a minimum. If you join a meeting that is already in
progress, sit back and wait for the person who is sharing to finish,
and then wait for the moderator to acknowledge you. When
sharing it is important to use a method of typing so that people know
when you are continuing a sentance or finished. To do so, end
sentances with ... when continuing. I think I may start using
* when I am finished. The moderator should put everybody in channel
operator mode so that anybody attending meetings has the ability to
kick people out of the channel who are doing anything inappropriate.
That has not been an issue yet though.
3. When do SLAA IRC meetings occur?
Answer: The regular weekly meetings of SLAA on IRC will be held at 7pm
Pacific Standard Time on Wednesdays and Fridays. To switch to TogetherNet
server from another server, type the command:
/server together.vt.us.another.net
Once connected, type:
/join #SLAA
4. Can I remain anonymous during the chats?
Answer: I think so. You should be able to configure your client
software with bogus information about yourself and the server does not
complain. You must supply correct information about your server
though. For example you may need to give it your email address. Make
one up if you wish. It works for me. People will know what server
your are connected with, i.e. for me it is irc.colorado.edu, and maybe
your host computer, but that does not give anybody much.
The following are guidelines for creating or joining a meeting after
getting connected into an IRC server. I am assuming the name of the
channel (group) is slaa.
/join #slaa
That is it. If the meeting is already started you just need to sit
back and participate. If you are the first one to get to the meeting,
then you will have created the slaa channel and will be the
channel operator. You will know you are the channel operator and that
you opened the channel (and that you are alone) because your nickname
will be the only one present and an @ sign will appear to the left of
your name. All participants should be given channel operator status
for two reasons. First, sometimes something happens to participants
connections. For example with me, I have a housemate who has a 17
year old son, and sometimes they forget to see if I am on the net and
they pick up the telephone and I get disconnected. That is not good
if I am the only channel operator. The other reason is so that
everybody has the ability to kick other nicks off the channel. By the
way, if you do get disconnected or the system starts doing strange
things, just leave the channel and re-enter the channel. If you can't
get back into the channel for some strange reason, start another
channel with a similar name, for example slaa1, so that the moderator
can know where to look for you and help you out. This is a worse-case
scenerio, but it could happen. And if it does happen, it is not a big
deal.
If you are the first person at the meeting, you may do the following
to set up channel modes, etc.., but you don't have to:
/mode +t
/mode +n
/topic 12-step meeting
When others join you can then give them operator status by doing the
following replacing nickname with their nickname:
/mode +o nickname
From: winnie@spectra.net (winnie)
Newsgroups: alt.recovery.addiction.sexual
Subject: ARAS FAQ Draft v.0.9 8 of 8
Date: Mon, 04 Mar 1996 13:48:53 GMT
Organization: Spectra.Net (607) 798-7300
Lines: 210
Message-ID: <313af473.1916772@news.spectra.net>
Reply-To: winnie@spectra.net
NNTP-Posting-Host: pm152.spectra.net
X-Newsreader: Forte Agent .99d/16.182
ARAS FAQ Draft v.0.9
"This FAQ is dedicated to the addict who still suffers."
LAST MODIFIED 02/27/96
KEY:
(-) Still requires writing or editing
(*) Revised since last posting
(+) New since last posting
8.0 OTHER FORMS OF HELP
8.1 HOTLINES (*)
8.2 COUNSELLING (-)
8.3 TREATMENT/REHABILITATION (-)
8.4 FURTHER READING (*)
8.1 HOTLINES
AIDS/HIV Hotline 800-342-2437
CODA (CO-Dependents Anonymous) 602-277-7991
Co-Dependents of Sex Addicts 612-537-6904
ISA (Incest Survivors Anonymous) 310-428-5599
Prostitutes Anonymous
PO Box 2620
Ventnor, NJ. 08406
This group is aimed at anyone who is trying to leave or has left the
pornography or sex industry.
RCA (Recovering Couples Anonymous) 314-830-2600
Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) 615-331-6230
P.O. Box 111910
Nashville, TN 37222
(615) 331-6230
They define sobriety as: no sex with self and no sex outside of
marriage.
SCA (Sexual Compulsives Anonymous) 800-977-HEAL
P.O. Box 1585, Old Chelsea Station
New York, NY 10113-0935
800-977-HEAL
E-mail: info@sca-recovery.org
They define sobriety as: Members are encouraged to develop a Sexual
Recovery Plan, and to define sexual sobriety for themselves.
S-Anon 818-990-6910
PO Box 5117
Sherman Oaks, CA. 91413
(612) 645-5426
or
Po Box 93864
Milwaukee, WI. 53203
This group is a support group of those involved with sexual addicts.
Meeting are in Calif. and Wisc.
SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) 617-332-1845
Augustine Fellowship
P.O. Box 650010
West Newton, MA 02165-0010
617-332-1845
They define sobriety as: Recovery comes through breaking the pattern
of addictive relationships and avoiding sex except in a committed and
continuing relationship.
SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) 713-869-4902
P. O. Box 70949
Houston, Texas 77270
713-869-4902
They define sobriety as: abstinence as avoiding compulsive and
destructive sexual behavior.
Sexually Transmitted Diseases Hotline 800-277-8922
SIA (Survivors of Incest Anonymous) 410-433-2365
8.2 COUNSELLING
Maybe something short and to the effect that many of us needed meetings
and counselling to really stop acting out or acting in. Maybe something
about get a sponsor.
Steve G. is compiling a list of online therapists. The URL is:
http://home1.gte.net/sdg/addict.htm#Addict.Counselors
8.3 TREATMENT/REHABILITATION
The National Council on Sexual Addiction/Compulsivity is a private,
non-profit organization dedicated to promoting public understanding,
awareness and recognition of sexual addiction and compulsivities. NCSA/C
is a grass roots effort comprised of service providers, allied health
professionals, educators, members of the recovering community and
other concerned citizens. They provide education, information and
referral services throughout the professional and lay communities.
Their goals are: promote public attitudes conducive to early
intervention and treatment; reduce the stigma of sexual problems and
addiction; support the growth of effective treatment programs; and,
encourage cooperation among all treatment models and available
services. You may wish to contact them for further information: The
National Council on Sexual Addiction/Compulsivity, P.O. Box
161064, Atlanta, GA 30321-9998, 1-770-968-5002. Email --
. Website -- http://www.ncsac.org/
The Interfaith Sexual Trauma Institute maintains an extensive list of
treatment facilities at their Website, http://www.osb.org/isti/
Located at St. John's Abbey and University, Collegeville, MN 56321.
ISTI describes itself as follows: "The Interfaith Sexual Trauma
Institute facilitates the building of healthy, safe, and trustworthy
communities of faith." Their listings include both secular and
religious-oriented treatment facilities.
8.4 FURTHER READING
For my money or time or the sake of recovery, the book with which to
start is Carnes' Out of The Shadows.
{If you have suggested readings to add, please include the publisher,
year published and ISBN. Thanks.}
_____ . Hope and Recovery, CompCare, Minneapolis (a compilation of stories
of
recovering addicts, based on the 12 step programs)
Bireda, Martha R. Love Addiction: A Guide to Emotional
Independence. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1990.
Carnes, Patrick. Out of The Shadows, CompCare, Minneapolis.
Carnes, Patrick. Dont Call it Love. New York: Bantam Books,1991
Carnes, Patrick. Contrary to Love. Minneapolis, MN: CompCare, 1991.
Carnes, Patrick. Other Voices, Other Scripts, Minneapolis, MN: CompCare,
1994.
Covington, Stephanie and Liana Beckett. Leaving the Enchanted
Forest: the path from relationship addiction to intimacy. San
Francisco: Harper & Row, 1988.
Earle, Ralph and Gregory Crow with Kevin Osborn Lonely all the
Time: recognizing, understanding, and overcoming sex addiction,
for addicts and codependents. New York: Pocket Books, 1989. xi,
337 pp.
Forward, Susan and Craig Buck. Obsessive love: when passion
holds you prisoner. New York, Bantam Books, 1991. 305pp.
Halpern, Howard Marvin. Finally getting it right: from
addictive love to the real thing. New York: Bantam BNooks,
1994. 261 pp.
Hastings, Anne Stirling. Reclaiming Healthy Sexual Energy.
1995.
Hayes, Jody. Smart love: changing painful patterns, choosing
healthy relationships: a codependence recovery program based on
relationship addiction support groups. 1st ed. Los Angeles,
J.P. Tarcher, 1989. 180 pp.
Kasl, Charlotte. Women, Sex and Addiction.
Lee, John H. I don't want to be alone: for men and women who
want to heal addictive relationships. Deerfield Beach, FL.
Health Communications, 1990.
Loulan, JoAnn. Lesbian Sex. San Francisco: Spinsters/AuntLute Press. 19??.
Has a chapter on Common Core Sexual Issues that includes Sexual Addiction
as viewed from the standpoint of the lesbian experience.
Lubetkin, Barry. Bailing out: the healthy way to get out of a
bad relationship and survive. New York: Prentice Hall Press,
1991. 226pp.
Peabody, Susan. Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and
Dependency in Relationships. Berkeley, CA: Ten Speed Press,
1989. 116pp.
Peele, Stanton with Archie Brodsky. Love and Addiction. New
York: Taplinger Pub. Co,, 1975. 284 pp.
Porterfield, Kay Marie. Violent voices: twelve steps to freedom
from emotional abuse. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health
Communications, 1989. 116 pp.
Robinson, B.L. and R.L., If My Dad's A Sexaholic, What Does That Make Me?
Minneapolis, MN: CompCare Publishers, 1991.
Schaef, Anne Wilson. Escape from Intimacy: the
pseudo-relationship addictions. Untangling the "love"
addictions: sex, romance, & relationships. New York: Harper &
Row, 1989. 165 pp.
Schaeffer, Brenda Lee. Is it love or is it addiction? Falling
into healthy love. Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1987. 157 pp.
Washton, A. and Boundy, D., Willpower's Not Enough: Recovering
from Addictions of Every Kind, Harper Perennial Books.
Weiss, Douglas. 101 Practical Exercizes for Sexual Addiction Recovery,
Fort Worth,TX: Discovery Press, 1995.
Weiss,Douglas & Debusk,Dianne. Women Who Love Sex Addicts, Fort Worth,
Texas:
Discovery Press, 1993.
Weiss, Douglas, Steps of Hope ; A 12 Step Workbook for Sexual Addiction,
Fort Worth, Tx.: Discovery Press, 1995
Wills-Brandon Carla. Is is love or is it sex? Why
relationships don't work. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health
Communications, 1989. 140 pp.
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